What is Coming Out?
For lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, agender (LGBTQIA+) people, coming out is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing one’s sexual and/or gender identity and expression. Coming out includes both exploring one’s identity and sharing that identity with others at the time and in the manner of their choosing.

It also involves coping with societal responses and attitudes toward LGBTQIA+ people. While there has been some progress in advancing rights for LGBTQIA+ individuals, U.S. society can still be geared toward the assumption that everyone is heterosexual and fits within the gender binary. The coming out process is very personal and happens in different ways and occurs at different ages for different people. Some people are aware of their gender and sexual identities and expression at an early age; others arrive at this awareness only after many years. Coming out is a continuing, sometimes lifelong, process. Those coming out may sometimes feel alone and unsure of their identities, but having the support of those who understand and care about them can make a tremendous difference in their well-being and ability to explore their identity.

Why is Coming Out Significant?
Due to heterosexism and cissexism, which assume that straight and cisgender individuals are the only natural, normal, and accepted ways of being, individuals are often presumed to be straight and cisgender until it is otherwise stated. This creates a pressure for those who are LGBTQIA+ to make known their actual gender and/or sexual identity through the coming out process. In Western society, while we might not often discuss our sexual and gender identities, many parts of life are entangled with these aspects of ourselves.

Does Everyone Come Out?
While many LGBTQ+ individuals come out in some way at some time throughout their lives, some people choose not to do this. Coming out is not a prerequisite for being LGBTQIA+, and one’s sexual and gender identities are real and significant regardless of whether they are known to others. There may be many reasons why someone does not, or even cannot, express these identities openly. Due to the previously mentioned systems of oppression, it is not always physically nor emotionally safe for someone to come out in some or all environments. There may also be personal, philosophical, and political reasons to not come out. Some people feel the act of coming out only reinforces the belief that being LGBTQIA+ is abnormal and needs to be stated, rather than naturally presumed. It is important not to assume that everyone wants to, will, or can come out.

Supporting Someone You Know
When someone we care about is in the process of coming out or has recently come out, we can expect that they are likely experiencing a range of thoughts and emotions. For some, coming out can be a time of celebration as they share more of their authentic selves with the world around them. For others, this may be a confusing or more anxious time when they worry about acceptance or reactions from others. Some may experience coming out as a casual and simple process. Regardless of how our loved one is feeling, it is important to meet them where they are in the process.

Given the various ways LGBTQIA+ people experience coming out, it is important to check in with those we care about to learn how to best support them. If someone has come out directly to you, it’s important to affirm who they are and assure they know you accept and care for them. This might sound like, “Thanks so much for sharing that with me! It’s exciting for me to know more about you and to know you trust me enough to share this. I support you and care about you. Is there anything I can do to support you further?” Here are some tips for showing support:

Respect Boundaries. Depending on your relationship and your friend’s experiences, they may want to share more about their identity. Be sure to make space for these conversations (as long as you can be supportive), but steer away from asking invasive questions or pressuring your friend to educate you on concepts you could learn in your own research. It is rarely, if ever, appropriate to ask direct questions about someone’s body parts or specific sexual behaviors. While curiosity is natural, when in doubt, refer to educational resources rather than your loved ones for continued learning.

Take their lead! If your friend uses a particular term to describe their identity, be sure to use that term as well. If you are uncertain about the correct language, check with them as each person may use terms differently. Finally, ensure you know your friend’s boundaries on where and to whom they are out. You do not want to accidentally out your loved one, especially to certain peoples and in environments where they may not be safe. Coming out is very personal and should be in total control of the person sharing (or not sharing) their identities.

Think about how your response may be interpreted. While there are many different ways we can show our support to a friend coming out, it is important to be thoughtful with our words and mindful of our intentions. Responding with reactions such as “I always knew” or “I’m not surprised” may feel natural to you, but can undermine how important this moment is for them. This can also make your friend feel self-conscious about what others were thinking or assuming of them.

Similarly, ensuring you choose your affirming words carefully is important. Responding with “I still love you,” “I love you anyway,” or something to this effect, communicates that their identity is a flaw you deign to accept, rather than a new and important facet of their person.

It’s important to integrate this new information into how you understand your friend as a whole person, rather than making it everything that they are. Pigeonholing this person by only ever talking about their LGBTQIA+ identity or referring to them as your “queer best friend” reduces them down to just one part of themselves.

Becoming a Better Ally
Personal acts of support in caring for someone who has come out are very important, but this is not the only way to demonstrate support. Expanding your support beyond individual care into broader allyship can make a major difference in the lives of your loved ones and those they share community with.

Adams et al. (2023) define an ally as “One whose personal commitment to dismantling discrimination and prejudice is reflected in a willingness to educate oneself, challenge one’s own prejudices, and interrupt discriminatory remarks, behaviors, policies, and institutional structures.” Allyship can look like attending an LGBTQIA+ Pride event, patronizing an LGBTQIA+ owned business, and even interrupting discrimination of LGBTQIA+ people in your day-to-day life
through bystander intervention.

Bystander intervention is an important tool in LGBTQIA+ allyship. It can include intervening when we see a microaggression or other harm being done directly to or about the LGBTQIA+ community. It can be helpful to remember the four D’s:

1. Direct: Directly step up/in and speak out to the issue
2. Distract: Distract by taking focus away
3. Delegate: Strategize with others to determine how they can help
4. Delay: Delay by checking in after the incident

In some situations, direct intervention may not be safest for you and/or those who are being harmed. In other cases, you may need to distract away from the situation to diffuse it, delegate the issue to someone(s) with more power or influence, or delay your intervention, waiting until the moment has passed to check in with those harmed or
call in those harming. Only you and other bystanders can know in each moment which option is best. There may never be a perfect way to disrupt harm, but we can feel more confident in the efficacy of our action when we examine the options.

Want to know more?
Adams, M., Bell, L.A., Goodman, D.S., Briggs, R.R. and Pacheco, R. (Eds.) (2023). Teaching for Diversity and Social Justice, 4th ed. Routledge Press.

TSER. (n.d.) Definitions. Trans Student Educational Resources. transstudent.org/about/definitions.

PLFAG—pflag.org

Trans Student Educational Resources—transstudent.org

The Trevor Project—thetrevorproject.org

Human Rights Campaign—hrc.org